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Four Steps for Communicating Healthy Boundaries
- cassandragoar
- Jun 21
- 5 min read
Updated: 23 hours ago
"Boundaries: A Guide to Healthy Relationships"
By Cassandra Goar, MA, LPC, NCC
Owner of Re-Emerge Counseling LLC
Setting boundaries can be tough. It’s easy to notice what you don’t like, but much harder to express your needs clearly. This is especially true when you’re not used to setting boundaries with certain people. Relationships often follow familiar patterns that can feel uncomfortable to change.
However, just because a dynamic has always been a certain way doesn’t mean it must remain that way. In fact, setting boundaries indicates that you care about the relationship and want it to flourish. It is essential for maintaining your self-respect, emotional safety, and peace of mind.
By establishing and communicating healthy boundaries, we choose relationships that honor both individuals. This approach promotes interactions that leave us feeling valued instead of drained.
Understanding the Importance of Boundaries
Healthy boundaries create the foundation for positive relationships. They help shift the focus from overwhelming obligations to nurturing connections. When we respect ourselves and our limits, we naturally encourage others to do the same.
Why We Struggle with Boundaries
Many people find it difficult to set boundaries due to fear of conflict or disappointing others. Societal norms often place an emphasis on placating others, making it hard to prioritize our needs. However, it’s crucial to remember that boundaries are not barriers; they are boundaries that promote mutual respect.
The Four Key Steps to Communicating Boundaries
Here are four essential elements of setting clear, compassionate boundaries. This is how to implement them in your daily life:
1. State Your Feelings/Emotions
“I feel…”
Start with an I-statement followed by an emotion. This technique allows you to own your experience. Avoid blaming the other person by saying, “you always…” or “you never…” Such phrases often trigger defensiveness. Instead, use “I think…” sparingly, as it can lead to judgment rather than connection.
✅ Instead of: “I think it’s rude when you show up unannounced.”
✅ Try: “I feel stressed when you show up without calling first.”
2. Name the Specific Behavior That Makes You Feel This Way
“When you said/did/don’t do…”
Being clear and specific is vital. Rather than making vague accusations, pinpoint the exact behavior bothering you. This provides the other person something tangible to consider and change.
✅ Examples:
“When you comment on my appearance in front of others…”
“When you ask me to stay late without checking in…”
“When you interrupt me during conversations…”
By doing this, you shine a light on actions that aren’t working for you without attacking the person.
3. State Your Ask/Need
“I would prefer, I need, I would like…”
Clearly articulate your wants and needs. This isn't about controlling another person; it's about expressing your limits honestly and respectfully. Use preference statements instead of demands.
✅ Examples:
“I would prefer if you call before coming over.”
“I need space to finish my work without interruptions.”
“I would like us to take a break before continuing this conversation when we’re both calmer.”
By expressing your needs clearly, you provide others with the tools to relate to you respectfully.
4. Name the Consequence and Follow Through
“If it doesn’t change, if you do it again, I will…”
It’s essential to communicate the outcome if a boundary continues to be crossed. This reinforces that you take your boundaries seriously. Be realistic and prepared to follow through.
✅ Examples:
“If you come over without calling, I will ask you to leave.”
“If you continue to contact me after hours, I’ll bring it up with HR.”
“If you keep making comments about my appearance, I’ll limit my time around you.”
This practice is about self-protection and securing your emotional safety, not punishment.
Examples of Healthy Boundary Communication:
With a Family Member:
“I feel very hurt and disrespected when you comment on my weight gain. I would like you to stop making comments about my body. If you make comments again, I will leave family dinners immediately.”
With a Supervisor or Colleague:
“I feel stressed and taken advantage of when you expect me to respond to emails on days off. I ask that on weekends and after 5:00 p.m., I won’t respond to emails. If you continue to insist, I’ll need to speak with HR.”
With a Partner or Roommate:
“I feel angry and worried when you say you’ll be home at a certain time but choose to go out with friends instead. I need you to communicate with me about changing plans. If it happens again, I might need to reevaluate our living situation.”
With a Friend Who Drops By Unexpectedly:
“I feel stressed when you come over without calling first. I would appreciate it if you'd call beforehand. If you come over again without calling, I will ask you to leave. I love you, but some days, I just need me time.”
With a Friend Who Shares Too Much Too Quickly:
“I feel overwhelmed when our conversations dive straight into heavy topics. I would prefer we ease into such talks gradually. If it continues to feel intense, I may need space.”
With a Co-Worker Who Delegates Unfairly:
“I feel frustrated when you assign me tasks that aren’t in my role. I need to be consulted before extra responsibilities are added. If this continues, I’ll bring it up in our next team meeting.”
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Remember that setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about fostering healthier connections. Healthy boundaries invite deeper, more secure relationships. They help reduce resentment, prevent burnout, and promote clarity and trust.
Without boundaries, losing ourselves in relationships becomes easy. However, with them, we can show up fully, honestly, and confidently while honoring our own needs and those of others.
Need Help Setting Boundaries?
If you find setting boundaries hard or overwhelming, you're not alone. Many of us didn't learn how to express needs or protect our peace growing up—and that’s okay. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a skill that becomes easier with support and practice.
If you're looking for help learning how to express your needs and protect your energy without guilt, therapy can be a powerful place to start. I’d be honored to support you on that journey.
✨ Cassandra Goar, MA, LPC, NCC
Owner of Re-Emerge Counseling LLC
Let’s work together to help you reclaim your voice, protect your peace, and re-emerge into life with clarity and confidence.
Bonus: Free Boundary Worksheet
To assist you on your journey, I have created a free boundary worksheet. It helps you practice and gain confidence in setting healthy boundaries. Access it here! Simply provide your email address to gain access to the free worksheet.
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